~Charmanderc

So, I’ve been journaling a lot lately – traditional kind, I mean. I don’t know why, but it helps somewhat. It’s like, instead of cutting, or instead of finding a destructible method of dealing, you can scream on paper. Even scribbling over and over helps, not that I do that. Especially when I get to thinking about things, and having these discussions with people make me wonder…even if they say they know, do they really? How do I know they aren’t mentally trying to rack their minds of memory hoping to find some example of proof? Why do they even need to prove themselves? Why shouldn’t we believe everything they say, even though we know its all malicious lies? We could spend hours in the dimming lights, avoiding eye contact and letting our minds wander as we try to concentrate on the monotone voices of wisdom.

Funny, the people that I miss are the people that felt so alive. The problems pulsed from their actions, and their bad examples were the ones that kept me going. There’s this song, the one I’m listening to now, Atrophy, that even though it talks about something on its own, I think of back when things were chaotic. “They’ve hooked you up with your escape, but you can’t wake up…” I can understand how these addictions start. The first stretch is short until you find what you sought in the first place – comfort, relaxation. You want it to last? Continue, feed the habits, be a creature with flaws. But then these episodes of blackness continue, become a constant worry. You forgot that we were there by your side, wondering if you needed help, how were we going to get by with no income, would be separated? And then something happened; something went terribly wrong.

I landed in a good place. How had it happened? The least expected the nearly perfect location for maturity development not that mine needs to be developed any more. And now, I feel that without my comfort in a place where nothing can be predicted prior, that I must cause a disturbance to have my peace. Things aren’t going to leave me; those habits probably won’t go away unless I get my mind swiped.

Sorry for rambling, although I hear it’s good to ramble occasionally.

I’m pleased to see the stock from Norway was popular, I really hope I can get a camera soon, so that I can take more. It would be fun to have an expedition up to Elizabeth’s and just spend a day with all the horses.

Thanks for all the support, and I can’t believe it! Nearly two thousand page views!